


Crimson Promises

by SkiiDiesu



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Blood, Blood and Injury, Cutting, Gen, M/M, Manipulation, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 04:59:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4508706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkiiDiesu/pseuds/SkiiDiesu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High School Years were a dark place.<br/>One night of Shizuo's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crimson Promises

**Author's Note:**

> Based off a post I put on Instagram.  
> Songs of inspiration:  
> Secrets by One Republic  
> Damage by Fit for Rivals  
> -  
> Raw Upload.

Everyone has secrets. Dark secrets that no one else would ever know. It wasn’t something surprising or new, it was a lesson that people had to learn when they came to the hurt crossroads when they found out a loved one was hiding something from them. The same way those secrets hurt though to speak, they hurt to hide, because no matter how hard you ignored it, try to hide, forget about it, you’re just harvesting it, creating feelings for it that will one way or another, bite you in the ass. And just like secrets, everyone has their fears. Sometimes their fears and secrets walked hand in hand…

Shizuo knew this a little too well. Walking through his life, in and out with steady feet, head high, but eyes bored, his focus always seeming to be elsewhere, yet his conversations with Shinra seemed to beg to differ. Perhaps this was one of the reasons why Izaya could never read him? He didn’t care. School life was different than home though. In school, Shizuo was a target of pain. Everyone had it out for him thanks to Izaya. He was always being tested, always being hit, attacked, tricked and jumped. It was fairly to trick him too. He wasn’t much for one thinking, so he was commonly called an idiot when he was simply just overlooking. One of the times he was tricked, a love letter was stuffed into his locker. The handwriting was neat, very feminine. So it was believable, and it kind of shocked Shizuo. Of course there was a location and a time written on it. The area wasn’t one that was suspicious either. So he went. He went to meet the girl who had confessed to him through a letter, but he was met with a gang that had motorcycles and bats, one or two having a gun themselves. They were completely different than the gangs he was use to fighting. Only if it was a fair fight though. Shizuo was always stronger. Always has been and always will be. The fight ended with Izaya walking past the fallen bodies to be a few feet away from him, hands clapping. A word of praise about how much of a _monster_  he was, how he was such a _divine fiend_ , something truly entertaining, a _prodigious freak_. And very carefully, Izaya was sure to explain why no one would ever love Shizuo. Not even he, and Izaya was the one who loved _all_ of humanity. Naturally, a fight broke out between them. Not over the names, or the comment of being loved, but more or less over the fact that Izaya went out of his way to write a _love letter_  to Shizuo. It disgusted him.

Home life though, wasn’t violent like that. Shizuo had a good home life. A lovely family, not to mention his brother Kasuka. Mom and dad had raised them both right, spoiled them but not to the point where they would be brats. They both did good in school, getting praised for their grades. Yeah, Shizuo actually did good in school. He never got left back, didn’t have failing grades, and even had a few secret awards hanging on the fridge, next to Kasuka’s. They always ate as a family, and always told stories about their day, sharing laughs, though from Kasuka, it was just small smiles. So why was it that Shizuo always ended up in his bathroom, sleeves stained red, falling asleep on the floor because he couldn’t handle the blood loss for too long?

The teenager had been struggling lately with the fact he couldn’t feel pain. Not psychical pain. You know, the thing humans complain about when they got hurt? He lacked that. He always felt it, the stings, but there was nothing to it. When he talked to his mom, she promised him that he was born as every other baby was born. There was no experiments involved, or anything genetically altered within him. Of course he was glad to hear that he was actually _human_ , but he wanted to feel it too. Emotional pain, he covered that enough for him and Kasuka. Once he figured that out, he asked Kasuka if he hurt worse than he should. When the younger Heiwajima informed him that he hurt like normal people, he felt even more lost.

Everytime, he dug himself into that hole. A hole of depression on how taunting it was to hear people say “Ow!”, or curse at pain, to watch people cringe with pain, wince with agony. Why was it that Shizuo didn’t have the chance to experience that?

Tonight was one of those nights he would think about it. As soon as he got out of his shower, he pulled his boxer briefs on, the smell of his hair dye faintly accenting the steamy room. He wiped the fog away from the mirror, sighing softly at his own reflection. His hair was still damp, slight yellow stains around the sink from previous showers. Shaking it out like a doll, he leaned into the mirror, staring at his eyes. It amazed him how they had the tendency to go from light brown to something of gold. Whereas Kasuka’s was just dull brown. Why did he have to be so different? He wanted a steady nice, quiet life, but with his personality, mixed with the traits he was forced to be born with, he was always the center of attention. Negative attention. Making a small face at himself, he leaned back. Today’s fight with Izaya was as frustrating as ever.

_“Don’t look at me like that, Shizu-chan! You have the eyes of a wild beast let loose. Don’t worry, we’ll find a master to tame you. Or better yet, I can just kill you!”_

Shizuo scoffed. _Yeah, kill me. Maybe I’ll feel something then…_  He frowned at his own thoughts. He didn’t want to die, truthfully, but he wanted to feel. He didn’t know what pleasure was, not pain, not anything. He knew what emotions were, but being angry seemed to outdo the rest, then his depression took over. Shizuo opened his medicine cabinet, pulling out a pack of razors he had. They all came in different sizes, and he’s used them, over and over. But they were still as sharp as ever. Settling in a spot on the floor, he ignored the feeling of the water trickling down his neck. Not even _that_ tickled him… He just wiped it away before his hand dropped over his box. Running his fingers gingerly over it, he tried to determine what he was in the mood for.

_“You have the eyes of a wild beast…”_

Out of all things to bother Shizuo, it would be how easily it was for Izaya to call him all these names. Shaking his head, he pushed his blades aside, instead reaching his hand into the cabinet under the sink. He pulled out a butterfly knife instead. There wasn’t just one blade though, all the sides had been placed with blades, newly sharpened. He leaned back against the wall, starting to twirl the knife between his fingers. Of course, it sliced his fingers, over and over, the blood slightly flinging across the bathroom as it started to slice more. For every insult he could recall that Izaya said, he cut his forearm. Deep slashes over and over in a messy array of lines. Starting up from his wrist, moving down to where the crook of elbow was, back up.

_Animal, Monster, Beast, Fiend, Brute, Savage, Barbarian, Behemoth…_

The list was never ending. Shizuo eventually stopped thinking about, mindlessly cutting as the blades twirled to his finger, deeper, deeper, almost down to the bone. Losing count, the blade slipped free of his hand, somehow managing to swing back slicing down his chest and stomach before it dropped down to the floor. He stared down at the his arm. It was covered in blood, some spots more than others, oozing. It was dripping down into a puddle on the floor. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t simply because he couldn’t feel it. Not one bit. His bottom lip pouted as tears filled his eyes. Why? Why was this the case?! Anger had suddenly surged through him. He deserved it! He deserved to feel pain!! Why? Why did he have to be so different? Shaking his head hard he got up from the floor, dragging his blade with him. He looked into the mirror once more. What if he damaged something more vital? Something that forced him to adjust his life? He wanted grieve over something, feel something other than anger, yet it was anger that was controlling him now.

“Ahhhhh!!!!” He ran his hands through his hair, yelling to let the frustration help but it didn’t. He couldn’t feel the anger in his chest, it didn’t cause an ache or pain. “FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!” He knew he would get the attention of his family but he didn’t care.

“FUUUUUUCK!! FUCK EVERYTHING!!” He yelled even louder, punching the glass. His punch went right through to the wall in the back, he even broke that. He heard the cracking of what was probably his knuckles breaking. The snaps of those being the snap of him. He pulled his hand out of the wall, turning around and kicking the opposite one in. “Come ON!!!” He punched with his other hand, blood dripping to the floor even more as it was injured arm.

“LET ME FEEL!” He placed his hands on the wall, taking a deep breath. He could hear banging on his bedroom door, the call of his name faintly. “Shizuo…! Shizuo!” It was Kasuka. He closed his eyes and smashed his head in between where his hands were placed. Another cracking sound, but he didn’t feel it. He moved back, the room dizzy but he felt fine. His head didn’t hurt, his arm, nor hands. Biting his lip, he split it. “Fuck. Everything. I don’t want to live without feeling!” He gave a weak cry, the voices beyond the two doors multiplying by two more. He turned back to his cabinet, flinging the broken mirror open, breaking it easily off it’s hinges. Grabbing the stash of painkillers he so ironically hid. He had read online somewhere that overdosing on these would make him bleed internally, causing a slow pain-filled death. At this moment, he didn’t care about the death part. He broke the cap off, raising the white bottle to his lips and swallowing the pills dryly as if they were nothing. He gulped a little too fast though, because he felt himself choke. Gasping for air, and coughing, his eyes watered a bit, but they didn’t sting, his chest didn’t feel tight, all he felt was a little _tickle_ in his throat. Clearing his throat hard before he swallowed again, it was there. He felt his air being limited, but there was no panic, he wasn’t in shock from lack of air. Dipping his head under the sink, he turned the water on, just drinking to end the tickle that was there.

“Shizuo! Let us in! Or your father is breaking down the door!” The threat from his mother meant nothing to him. Shizuo opened his bathroom door though, taking slow steps toward the bedroom door. His world was slow around him, or maybe it was him? He honestly couldn’t tell. Izaya’s voice came to play in his head though, words the flea had never said coming to taunt him.

_"_ _Oh how weak! I thought you were strong! I guess even the mightiest beast has a breaking point. No fun."_

Thanks to the blood loss, the damage to his head, everything he did that he didn’t really feel, he ended up dropping to his knees before he fell forward. His vision blurred a bit. Pushing up to at least be on his arms, he cried to crawl over to his bedroom door, he wanted to open it so he could ease his panicking screaming mother, the soft worried tone of Kasuka; but instead gravity pulled his weak body back down. _Weak…_  He figured his body had devoured the pills, so they were already affecting him. It was pretty fast actually or maybe he pushed himself to the limit this time? That couldn’t have been it… He’s been hit with a truck before and not even that was enough. But he has noticed his body caving in to passing out more recently, his healing had slowed just a bit… So he was affected by his own pain. But he still couldn’t _f_ _eel it_.

He closed his eyes as for once an unfamiliar feeling did reach him. Concentrating hard at a light throbbing in the back of his head, trying to figure out what it was. It hurt. Just a bit.

It hurt...

Was that it?

Was he finally feeling it?

Shizuo didn’t know, getting a little excited at how it throbbed there in the back of his head. It felt like someone had pulled his hair? He thought of something that could describe a pain?? He was so unsure of what it really was, but it excited him! The problem was now, that he would never know because right as he started to feel it more, his body forced him to sleep, putting him in a state of unconsciousness. He didn’t see his dad kick his door in, or see Kasuka be the first to run to his side, or hear his mom call the emergency line in sheer panic. His world went black, dark, as he fell into the pits of subconscious.

* * *

 

Waking in the hospital was the worst thing. Shizuo never thought he would be the one to be laying on the hospital bed, with machines attached to him and an oxygen tank over his face. He looked down, spotting how bloody his gown was, the soaked bandages on his arm, and his wrapped up fingers and wrist on the other. He felt the air being pushed into his lungs, but he smelled iron within the mask. Raising a hand, he tugged off, letting it plop into his lap. Sure enough, there was blood in that too. He sighed, his body exhausted and slightly aching. At least there was a feeling though. His eyes fell shut again, as he settled into the bed, searching for anything else, but he was kind numb.

“Wow, that must have been quite a show.~” Izaya’s voice hitched out of nowhere, causing Shizuo to sit up quickly, looking over at the seat the informant was sitting in. He was buffing his nails before he looked up with slanted eyes and slight sneer. “How was that? Did you finally feel pain?”

“You…” Shizuo growled lowly, “What the hell are you doing here?!”

“Now now, there is no need to get all angry Shizu-chan, I just wanted to check if you were okay. Your brother didn’t look so good leaving the hospital.” Izaya chuckled low, getting up from his seat, walking over to Shizuo’s side. “Both of your parents were with him too, so I figured ‘No, Shizu-chan would never be hospitalized!’. I asked the security at the front desk, and sure enough! They said you were here!”

“Get the hell out of my room!”

Izaya’s hand shot forward, choking Shizuo, gripping tightly. “Now, I said there is no need to get _upset_.” Shizuo gasped slightly, slightly stricken by the lack of air. Izaya chuckled again, eerily. “You look so weird sitting here. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever find you here.” He sighed, “Always doing things I don’t expect.”

The gold eyes narrowed as they watched the crimson ones. Izaya let go of Shizuo’s neck, moving to straddle his lap. He pressed his chest close to Shizuo’s, taking a small sniff at him. Shizuo turned his head sharply, clicking his teeth in disgust. “Leave me the hell alone. What do you even think you’re doing…”

Izaya plucked out the IV needles and the heart monitor, the sound of the steady beating turning to a flatline. Shizuo looked back at the other, brows furrowing as he drew them in. “Izaya…”

“Why have you been cutting yourself? You know you can’t feel, right idiot?”

“Why the fuck do you care?”

“I don’t. I’m just curious. Can’t you imagine my disappointment if you died?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

A smile tugged on Izaya’s lips, slipping away off of Shizuo. “We both know you’re smarter than that, unless, maybe you are as much of an idiot as everyone thinks?”

Shizuo glared with weary eyes, hands drawing into tight fists. “Oh well! I guess we’ll never know, just like you won’t _ever_ know what it feels like to experience pain.~” Izaya strolled over to the door, waving a hand, before he slipped out. “Bye Bye, Shizu-chan.”

As soon as the raven was gone, the nurses rushed in, tampering with Shizuo, but all he could do was stare at the door in disbelief. He wasn’t even sure if he really saw Izaya, or if it was just another illusion…


End file.
